


Shell of a Man

by MetaAllu



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1975119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaAllu/pseuds/MetaAllu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harvey is a kid, he's told that he is a girl, and that his brother is a boy.  He knows that girls have vaginas, and boys have penises, and that if someone says someone is "she" then you say she; and if someone says someone is "he" then you say he.  That's all he really knows about gender until he is 10 years old.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shell of a Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [batty4u](https://archiveofourown.org/users/batty4u/gifts).



> Could be seen as Mike/Harvey pre-slash. Probably complete. This fic contains transphobia and injection of testosterone. If you're not here for that, you might want to press back.

When Harvey is a kid, he's told that he is a girl, and that his brother is a boy. He knows that girls have vaginas, and boys have penises, and that if someone says someone is "she" then you say she; and if someone says someone is "he" then you say he. That's all he really knows about gender until he is 10 years old.

When he is 10, the school takes him and all of his classmates to the library along with all of the other 5th graders in his school. Then someone from the school distract stands up at the front of the class and tells them that soon their bodies will start changing. She proceeds to describe these changes to them in vague detail, accompanied by fairly unhelpful charts. Harvey realizes that soon his body will look different, and that he will be seen differently. Already, the boys from his class are staring at him and giggling. His face goes hot.

When he gets home, he begs his mom to let him get his hair cut short.

When he's 12, he starts to develop breasts. He knows that people look at them, that they make him into something, that they label him as a "girl," and therefore he is different from boys. He covers himself with baggy t-shirts and starts to slump his shoulders. One day, two boys in his grade push him down and grab at him through his shirt, laughing. They stop laughing when Marcus punches one of them so hard he tumbles off of Harvey. Marcus grabs the back of the boy's head, fist full of hair, and pushes his face into the dirt, yelling at him to never touch his sister again.

Marcus is the first person Harvey ever tells he wishes he were a boy.

His dad dies before he can tell him (and add that to the list of things Harvey wishes he'd told his dad), and he isn't sure his mother really understands what's going on.

He spends his 18th birthday in the hospital, sitting next to Marcus who's got a Something. Harvey used to pay attention to the Somethings, but nowadays there's so many of them that it's almost impossible to keep track of what it is this time. Marcus knows, but he doesn't have much else to do with his time.

They're splitting Marcus' jello when he suddenly says, "Oh! Hey, Harvey!" Harvey's cheeks go hot at being called by his chosen name, and half-chewed jello spews unattractively from Marcus mouth as he talks. "I got you something!"

He reaches under his pillow and pulls out a package wrapped in what looks to be vomit bags.

"A nurse had to wrap it for me, and, like, I guess it's not the best wrapping, and it might not be the right size, but, um, Happy Birthday?"

Harvey tugs off the packaging, then lays out the gift—it's white with elastic over the chest and a small stitched logo over the heart—and looks at it.

"It's a chest binder," Marcus explains, seeing the lost look on Harvey's face. "It'll–" He cups his hands at his chest and motions. "It'll make you flat. Or pretty much flat. Here! Try it on!"

Marcus reaches over and helps Harvey pull off his t-shirt and unclip his bra, both of which Harvey sets carefully at the foot of the hospital bed. There's clips up the side of the binder, and they get it over his head then do up the clips. His shirt goes back on and then they sit in silence for a few moments.

"Damn," Marcus says. "I mean, I knew it worked, but that really works. You look good, man."

Hesitantly, Harvey looks down at himself and runs his hands repeatedly down his chest, conscious of the shape of it. His vision blurs, and he blinks rapidly, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Dude!" Marcus yells, grabbing a tissue and shoving it at Harvey. "Not manly."

"Fuck you," Harvey says.

It doesn't fit quite right, but as Harvey learns later, the first one never does.

Testosterone makes him want to hit things. He beside Marcus' bed and talks about rage. He talks about the way he broke some guy's nose, the way he can't stop fighting with other people at work. Marcus takes his hands and kisses his bruised knuckles.

Jessica Pearson finds him in the mail room. Or, more accurately, he finds her and drops backdated files on her desk. Then he threatens to report them to the D.A.. She gets him chest surgery and then buys him the best suit that he's ever seen in his life.

"What's this for?" he asks.

"You're going to need it when you're a lawyer," she says.

He doesn't argue with her. He figures if there's anyone who knows these things, it's Jessica Pearson. He's great at law school, it turns out; and even better at his job.

People have a lot of questions about Harvey Specter. They questions his morals, his methods, and his mouth; and that's just the cliff notes. If there's one thing no one's ever thought to ask him questions about, it's what's between his legs.

Then there's Mike Ross. Mike Ross who sits down across from him, and stares at his jawline. He doesn't say anything, but Harvey can see it in his eyes. He isn't afraid. That's what he tells himself over and over. He hires Mike on the spot.

It's a year after Mike started working for him that it first comes up. They're sitting in Harvey's office having a victory drink when Harvey's voice cracks.

"Dude," says Mike, voice dissolving into giggles. He's a little tipsy already, the fucking lightweight, and everything is funny.

"Ugh," says Harvey, and he tries to remember when the last time he had a shot was. It's not the first time he's let his entire existence be absorbed by a case, and it won't be the last, but it is the first time he's slipped up in front of Mike. At least now he knows why he's feeling so lethargic. Or maybe that's the lack of sleep.

"Mike, can you stop giggling for like 10 seconds and grab me my T?" He points across the room to a box on top of his bookshelves.

Mike looks at the box, and Harvey looks at Mike. The seconds drag out, then Mike stands up, wobbles, and walks over to the bookshelf. He grabs the box and brings it over to Harvey carefully, setting it down on the desk.

Harvey opens the box, pulls out a needle and taps it on the edge of his desk a few times before carefully depressing the testosterone into his arm.

"I can't believe you told me. I never thought you'd tell me. You always got so cagey, and—"

Harvey puts the empty needle in the trash.

"I didn't tell you anything," he answers. Mike can't deny it.


End file.
